I have a lot of upwards growth to do. Thank god.

I’m gonna break it off with him if he doesn’t give an answer that makes sense to me personally. What’s the point? There are better friends out there.

I am so tired of being shy, self-conscious, and fearing human connection.  I am so bewildered when it comes to making a new friend.  Why is so hard?  Everyone has their friendships, those things they talk about.  I fret because what if my stories are not as interesting?  I spent 4 years of my life getting drunk with people who were never going to expand my social circle into the flowers I am finding now.  It is just taking a long time, and life is short, and there are days when I feel bored and lonely.  Of course, Half of it is my own personality.  I indulge in solitary pleasures and do not easily let others in on it.  I fret about being close.  The friends I have have helped me to grow deeply.  But I need more within myself, and I fucking need to build companionships easier so that I am just effing happier and can do more of the things I love.  No more waiting around.  On top of that, what kind of guy that you have been going on a few dates with for a couple months that you’ve known since high school throws a bday party for himself and doesn’t invite you? Here I am again back int he same pattern of “dating” (not really) a man who doesn’t put me first.  I guess I am testing the waters, seeing what is right for me.  But seriously?  I can tell myself all the reasons why it is okay and that it makes sense but at the end of the day, my dad said “he is not worth your time, he doesn’t put you first”. 

So I believe my dad.  Where was he when I dated Ant Z back in high school?  Where was my wisdom then?

My emotions are riding me like a bull rides a devilish man.

Take me away from here, and plop me in a sand farm;

I’m just another piece of scrap in a world of paper and erasers.

Remove me from your past- De-tattoo me.

You’re a pillow and I’m a dream.

I’m like a lost teen— saying “nothing is built to last”.

Take me on a river boat ferry ride,

Watch my blood turn the river orange, then purple, then watch it sink away forever.

Vanished.

Throw me overboard- as you have before.

Laugh and squeel, arms in the air!

Never catch me, I won’t let you.

I am the top banana in my own masquerade of doubt.

Feel very sleepy this morning. Feel much more content than I have in a while. Noticing the things that bring you to have more faith in yourself. I know this is a step.

On a weird note, I had a really, really strange dream last night. Too weird to put on here. But it had to do with my faith—my caregiver attitude, and perhaps my monthly cycle (HAHA)? I was looking after my brother and his family; the family was huge though, there were other people there.

Anyways, 

lift the head up and keep on pushing.